


Heads and Tails

by DoomedKelpie



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Angst, Demons, Self-Esteem Issues, brief discussion of amputation/surgery, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25817452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomedKelpie/pseuds/DoomedKelpie
Summary: Rin thinks about his tail.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 66





	Heads and Tails

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! It’s been a pretty long time since I’ve written a Blue Exorcist fic. But, well, here I am again. I just had this idea today and figured I’d write it real quick.

He sat in the dorm room he shared with his twin brother, who’d been sent on some kind of mission. Only a few weeks ago, Rin wouldn’t have even considered the possibility that he’d be waiting for his brother to return from killing demons. Hell, until recently, he hadn’t even considered the possibility that he would be attending high school, let alone the possibility he would be learning how to become an exorcist, learning how to kill the very thing that he was.

And wasn’t that even more unbelievable? He was a demon.  _ The son of Satan. _

Wasn’t it funny how everyone had been right about him? Wasn’t it funny how they called him a demon, not even knowing how right they were? Wasn’t it funny that he’d spent his life comforting himself with the thought that he  _ wasn’t _ a demon, only to find out that he  _ was _ ?

And wasn’t it hilarious that his brother had spent his own life learning how to kill demons? Wasn’t it ironic that Yukio had done it to protect him, and wasn’t it ironic that Yukio had then gone on to point his gun right in his face? 

He still wasn’t entirely sure if Yukio would have done it. That day, he’d seen the hesitation, the slight tremble of his brother’s hand, but he’d also seen the pain. He’d seen the anger, the accusation. Had the whole thing gone a little differently, would his brother have killed him?

Rin didn’t know. He was pretty sure that, if he had, Yukio would have been guilty about it, even if he told him to die. It probably would have eaten him up inside- killing his demon of an older brother.

But yes, this strange reality was now routine. His world had become one of demons and fairies and countless other things that he’d believed to be fantasy.

His tail twitched and curled, a nervous habit he’d picked up. Yes, this world had become his new norm, and this appendage was undeniable proof of it that prevented him from pretending otherwise for even a moment. 

This damn tail. He hated it. He hated the way his body had changed, hated what he saw in the mirror and felt respond to the commands of his nervous system. He actually hadn’t even gotten a good look at the tail yet. He saw the ears in the mirror every morning, and he’d seen his elongated claws every time he drew his sword. And of course, he’d  _ seen _ his tail. But he still hadn’t taken a very close look at it. At first, he’d been mourning Father Fujimoto, and then he’d been adjusting to his new life. And then he had just avoided it in favor of acting like the tail didn’t bother him. 

But, here he was.

Rin moved his tail so it was in front of him and shuddered at the way he could control a body part he shouldn’t even have. Despite the discomfort, he took the tail into his hands.

Most of the tail was covered in a bristley, black fur that felt like the end of a broom. The fur on the end was longer and softer, but it only reminded Rin of a wild animal. And as the tail twitched again, he could feel strong muscles contract beneath his fingers. The movement felt unnatural, repulsive, and he let go of the thing. 

He briefly wondered if it would be possible to get it removed. At the very least, it would make it easier to pretend to be human most of the time, and he wouldn’t have to look at it anymore. He wouldn’t have to  _ feel _ it anymore. Maybe, just maybe, he would be able to forget he wasn’t human every once in a while. 

But no. He healed so quickly that it might not even be possible to remove it properly, and he wasn’t really sure if anesthetics would work on him anymore. And if they didn’t, there was no way he could sit through the pain of having it removed, especially when the tail was more sensitive to pain than any other part of his body. No, he would have to be out cold for that. 

Even if it was possible, who would let him do it? Mephisto was his legal guardian, and he was sure that if he brought it up to the man, he would just be laughed at and brushed off. It would just serve as a bit of amusement, and he probably wouldn’t even get an answer. And even if he somehow convinced Mephisto to allow it, Yukio would probably keep him from following through. His brother would probably be horrified at the notion. He’d probably think that Rin had gone nuts. 

But what then? Was he supposed to just deal with it for the rest of his life? Just accept that he had to live in a body that he hated? A body that changed against his will?

With a sigh, Rin laid down on his bed, on his stomach so he didn’t crush his tail. He knew the answer. He knew he’d just have to live with it. All things considered, it wasn’t even the worst thing he had to just live with. 

Surely, his mind would eventually come to just accept it as part of his new norm.

**Author's Note:**

> And there’s the story. 
> 
> I kind of based a lot of Rin’s thoughts on my own. ‘Cuz I fell down the stairs (twice in the same week, lol) a few years ago, and I ended up with an injury that didn’t heal right and looks pretty ugly. (The doctor told me it wasn’t a problem, but that it probably wouldn’t go away unless I got surgery, ha. And I have an intense fear of medical procedures, so). Yeah... I guess this is actually a wee bit of me ranting as I project onto another character again? Obviously, the situation is different since I don’t have a demon tail, but whatever, I can write what I want and project onto whatever characters I want, ha ha. 


End file.
